Communicating in Conflict
It is easy to feel “stuck” when trying to communicate your deeper feelings and needs. Sometimes communicating these feelings and needs can lead into conflict, leaving you both feeling unheard. Below are some general guidelines on communicating through conflict:
Discuss one person’s hurt at a time. Take turns listening, reflecting, and communicating empathy.
Try to stick to one topic and one person at a time. Check in to make sure the person who is sharing feels heard and understood before the next person begins sharing.
Example: “I hear you saying_______”. “I feel sad knowing that my actions left you feeling ________”.
Acknowledge the impact of your actions on your partner.
Impact vs. Intention…oftentimes neither of you are trying to hurt the other person, your intentions are usually good. However, sometimes the impact of your actions can cause harm. Being accountable for the harm your actions cause can lead to healing your connection and resolving conflict.
Example: “ I am sorry for _________”. “I see how it made you feel _________”. Next time, I will try to do __________ instead”.
Consider what you need to repair.
Now that you feel heard, understood, and that your partner was able to empathize with you, share what it is you are needing in the moment to repair the hurt.
Example: “Thank you for understanding, I feel heard”. Now that we have talked through this issue, I would like ___________ (a hug, quality time, reassurance, etc)”.
If at any point one or both of you start to feel emotionally flooded (i.e. overwhelmed with emotions of anger, sadness, etc.), initiate a 10-minute break to regroup. When taking this break, take a look at the feelings wheel to understand what you are feeling. Take some time to stretch or take deep breaths.
When coming back from the break, share “I noticed myself getting [defensive, shutting down, angry] when I started feeling __________. I would like to try to understand your experience.”
Lastly, our tendency is typically to listen to respond, which is fuel for conflict. By choosing instead to listen to understand, you are able to create a pathway to resolution, healing, and connection.
